2023 Plot Twist

It’s a new year. 2023 was weird in a sense that I found myself in mostly last minute flights to places. It’s annoying because I swore I would only book cheap flights but whenever my mental health needed a boost.. within 48 hours, I find myself in a new country, work laptop in tow just so I can work from anywhere else but home.

Another plot twist would be the fact that I’m now exclusively dating someone. This person isn’t even anyone new in my life lol. We met a few years ago when we were both newly single (oh god, I can’t believe I’ve been single for 5 whole years!) and it eventually fizzled out (I ghosted him HAHA).

Cut to 2023 when I found myself in his current city (this dude moves around a lot 🥴), so I hit him up and it.. kind of just snowballed from there. So I guess pros: more reasons to travel. Con: long distance situationship with a guy who doesn’t even have a permanent address (heck, he’s moving to Europe soon). To his point though, he did want to make it an official relationship but I’m not fond of the distance and crying at the airport whenever he drops me off at the airport immigration. So there’s that.

I think the biggest development I’ve had from 2023 was the growth of sad girl scents through staying true. I admit that 2021-2022 had me kind of just going with the trend of what’s successful and unfortunately, I kind of lost sight of why I started the brand. I was getting so burnt out from everything and in 2023, I kinda slowed down production to truly focus more on the things that I want to release. It’s been crazy but 2023 has been our best year yet! (I do wish more people purchase the cardigans even if they were expensive 😂).

I’m also planning on quitting this job. I realize now that a lot of my anxiety from 2023 came from waking up and working this job. At one point of 2023, I opted to work from Japan and I literally cried every single day just from how much I hated it. It’s crazy. I think this would have been a great firm to work in if I had been in the phase of my life where I was ambitious career-wise. The role I hold in this firm truly has been an enriching experience and given me so much insight that staying in my previous job would have not given me – even if I felt like I was stretched thin 40+++++ hours a week, doing so much stuff I can barely take breaks. It takes a toll. I get so anxious when I hear notifs at 1 AM because my colleagues barely sleep ??? I’m not that devoted to this career. Thank you very much.

Ever since I got laid off during the pandemic, I’ve come to the realization that I’ve had no job that dealt with life and death (I’m not in healthcare or education or any industry that has drastic effects on other people’s lives) that was worth ruining my mental wellbeing for. I’ve mostly worked in big firms where I’m probably just a number. Crying every single day is the last straw. Fingers crossed I find a new job before I go bankrupt. 💀

I’m manifesting for a softer and nicer 2024. I just want to be healthy and have enough wealth to live a comfortable life (and feed my 2 chonky cats good food).

Exhausted

I’m all sorts of drained. I’ve really been struggling with the growing workload as I accidentally climbed the corporate ladder without even meaning to.

I’ve only been at my current role for 4 months and I feel like yung pagod ko ay pang 1 year na. Every single day, it’s like time passes by so quickly and I’m drowning from everything I have to do.

I’m not sure if I’ll eventually grow to fit the role. Eh. I’m sure I will. I always do. But at this moment, it feels like I’m gonna do it at the cost of my sanity.

Every night, after working, I just lie in bed in the dark in silence to decompress. My emotional support cats, Jiyo and Kuro, helps. Sometimes. When they let me snuggle with them.

I’ve also been working on sad girl scents and doing a shit ton of work on weekends to make sure our inventory is stocked/flies off the shelves. It’s been … challenging. But with sgs, it’s fine. It makes me happy. But the rest are the bane of my existence.

I sometimes wish I get paid for just existing.

He just didn’t like me that much

I’ve recently gotten back to therapy, mostly because I really had a hard time bouncing back from the grief when Rox died.

One of the things I brought up (non-Rox related) was that tiktok trend of “right where you left me” and where women are in their healing journey. It’s hard to say it out loud – but sometimes my mind decides to self sabotage and wonder what’s wrong with me and why I’ve never been treated as someone important enough to not lose.

And logically, I know that these are things that are out of my control. That it happened because they just didn’t like me as much as I thought they did.

I have only even started talking about past experiences that I’ve kept buried and hidden from other people, even to the ones closest to me. One of my friends cried when she realized just how much I’ve suffered in silence for years. She said no wonder, I had been carrying so much resentment. If I’m being honest, one of the reasons I didn’t say anything was because of how humiliating it was.. that I let someone treat me the way I’ve been treated.

Ugh. It’s probably the time of the month that’s messing with my head again.

Talking to my dad about finances triggers my resentment

For context, I had taken over managing our entire household (finances included) by 2015 because my mom was too sick to do so. That includes making note of where every single peso was spent, due dates for payments, and chipping in my own money as needed (which happens every month to this day lol).

When my mom died and dad left after his bereavement leave – I was left with everything else to deal with. I dealt with her funeral and her cremation. Her documents. I was 24. My mother had just died after watching her slow death that lasted for years. In a mess of feeling relief, grief, guilt over feeling the relief that mom no longer had to suffer and me and my siblings can finally live a day without dealing with mom’s palliative care. My resentment towards my dad started to grow.

Not only did my mom had the audacity to die, the other parent I was supposed to rely on was also missing. It felt like I had to carry the weight of making sure my siblings were okay, that the house was not crashing down, that the bills were paid on time, and everything else in between. My sister (who was very young when this happened) started lashing out and accusing us from not grieving. My brother stopped going to school. The house was poorly maintained. And all of these were happening just as I started trying to climb the corporate ladder.

At the peak of my resentment, I’ve always wondered where I would be in life if my mom never died. I would have taken that opportunity to work abroad that I did not because my siblings were minors who needed someone to be here. I probably would have more money saved if I didn’t always have to chip in when something in the house breaks, or if I didn’t have to buy 3 of everything to share with my sibs. I love my siblings, I really do. And I don’t regret all the choices I made to keep them sane. But I think I’ll always wonder how I would have turned out if I didn’t have to take on that responsibility.

It’s been almost eight years since my mom’s death. And over the years, I have sent emotional bids to my dad’s direction and genuinely realized, that maybe I’m never going to get any emotional support from him. Every single outburst that I’ve tried to talk to him, in the hopes of getting that comforting support from a parent, has never been fruitful. The only time I would ever get support would be when I asked for a financial one (not even then if I’m being honest, I only ask for household funds). Maybe we’ll truly never have a relationship where I feel like I can rely on him or that I have parents who’ll back me. My mom’s dead. What can we do 🤷🏻‍♀️

This morning, my dad asked why the electricity bill was too high. And this is when I know that therapy has worked enough that I didn’t just immediately lash out. But it kind of brought back up the fact that this is truly the only support I could ask and will get from him. And it makes me resentful.

Sometimes, I’d have conversations with people about having kids. And I’ve always said I’m not against the idea, but I only want kids under very specific circumstances. I guess because it feels like I haven’t really had the time to function without taking care of anyone as an adult. I’m also terrified of the thought of not being able to break generational trauma and turn into my dad. I would love to have meaningful relationships with the human beings I had a hand in making, but what if I don’t? I’m leaning towards I would rather not know than have anyone inherit my parental issues.

Not sure how to feel about this

One of my best friends is dating someone who met her soon right after his long term (10 years!) relationship ended.

Me and my friends share a lot with each other, and one of the things her boyfriend told her that she shared with me was how he was looking forward to do things right with her. Because he’s been in a relationship before where he almost got married. Clearly, that didn’t work out. So now that he’s had the time to reflect on how to be a better partner, he wants to give her this better version of himself.

And it kind of made me look at their happy relationship and wonder if that’s exactly what happened with this person I used to love with whoever he is with now. Maybe they’ll be happier than we ever could have been. If that’s the case, then my decision to leave is a good one.

I don’t really wish him ill. I used to. But not anymore. It’s been years since I wished him hair loss and flat tires lol. This train of thought was just one of those things that suddenly popped in my head when she was telling me how nice it’s been.

I guess one day if I meet someone I can trust enough to commit to – who I’d be in that relationship would be vastly different with who I used to be in all my previous ones. I believe in people’s capacity to change. I hope that if ever the time comes for me to fall in love romantically again, I’ve changed for the better. 🙂

I’ve been single for 4.25 years. I can’t even remember the last time I’ve held hands with anyone, and if I did, it all happened before the pandemic hit HAHAHA. If I’m being honest, I could see a future with my growing number of cats. I just adopted Kuro, and he adapted pretty quickly with Jiyo. I’ll hold off on getting a third one anytime soon. But all my future plans has revolved around this picture of growing old in a house with a massive cat room. It’s weird that crazy cat lady used to be something everyone aspired not to be. And now, I’m only ever looking at properties that would be good for my current and future cats.

Life is weird. Nice, but weird.

My best friend is getting married!

She’s been engaged for a while now, and I was the first person after her family that she called when Mikko proposed. But I’m not gonna post or talk about it anywhere because it’s not my story to tell.. but now that she’s posted about it, I finally can!

Gin and I have been friends since we were 15. I’m gonna make this about me right now lol but the past few years that I’ve been single, I was lowkey dreading feeling sad when she gets married. But when we were talking right after her proposal, I cried so many happy tears for her.

Gin deserves all the happiness in the world. We’ve cried all kinds of tears together, and to shed genuine happy tears for her is an honor and a blessing.

I think back to the time I felt dread over the feeling of being left behind. But I look around, and my life isn’t so bad. It’s quiet – outside and in my head. I like that I can be someone that the people I have loving relationships with, can share their brightest and darkest moments to.

Healed girl era

I’ve been to a number of weddings since the start of my 4-year (and seemingly rest of my life lol) single girl phase. Never nawala yung Bawat Daan ni Ebe. And every single time they play that song, whether it was during the ceremony or the reception, one would expect me to start BAWLING.

From the very first time I’ve known of the existence of this song, I had always just believed that I would walk down the aisle to this song when I eventually marry the dude I was with at the time. It was one of those things I was sure of for years (I believe 2013 ko yun first time narinig because I watched the initial run of Sa Wakas).

I’ve cried to this song at every single wedding I’ve been to since then. And not gonna lie, the last few years had been tough on my self esteem. I only go to weddings of people I care about, and while I would be extremely happy for them, there would always be a tinge of envy.

Sana ako din. Kailan kaya na ako naman? Hindi ko ba deserve na may magmahal sa akin enough to want to officially and legally make me their life partner?

I went to Uncle Chris’s wedding yesterday. And from the beginning, I had been feeling weird.. but I couldn’t pinpoint what it was that made me feel this way. And by the end of the night, I realize that it was the absence of envy. I didn’t spent time dreading about being triggered by happy couples, nor did I feel sad about the state (which is non-existent) of my love life. In fact, I genuinely enjoyed my time catching up with the extended family and witnessing their celebration of love.

Bawat Daan played, and I sang along to it with a smile. I watched my new aunt, Nix, walk down that aisle, and got to appreciate how beautiful and happy she looked at that moment without wondering when/if it would happen for me. I was just happy for their union. And that was it.

It took a really long time – almost half a decade! – to get here. It feels like life just has a way of getting you to a place where I rarely even question why things happen the way they do. Because where I am now is actually a nice place to be in (dead loved ones aside – this one is taking longer for me to accept lol rip Rox).

Time has been good for my heart.

Getting Rox inked on me

Most tatts are forever (I say most because you can have them removed lol).

I’m aware that I’m an intense person with big feelings. This awareness to avoidant attachment style pipeline should be as expected. I avoid letting myself develop big feelings for anyone or anything that seems impermanent.

I think it’s pretty obvious by now that I’m someone who would not let go of anyone or anything I’ve gotten attached to. And while I logically know that this breeds into the pain and suffering I hopefully grown around – it can be too much for anyone.

Early on, I decided that I would only ever get inked when I’m happy. So that my skin has happy memories to wrap all the grief I hold. This is also why I intentionally had them done in places in my body that are usually covered by clothes.

I’m very open with my pain. But the happiness that I cherish are not for everyone’s consumption. Through the years, I’ve gotten more selective with who I share my joy with. And most of them are the ones who shared my burdens.

But this time around, I had Rox on my forearm. The process itself wasn’t too bad or painful, and as usual, I never shed a tear. But the end result of Rox’s portrait on my arm had me crying all the way home. There she is. Somewhere I can constantly see. Somewhere anyone can see. And I may not be at my happiest when I had it done, but Rox is a treasure trove of core memories of my life.

It’s been almost a month since she died. It feels like I’ve aged a lot since.

Something I wrote while in the back of a motorbike in Bangkok (she’s a cringe poet or whatever)

I want a glass of water on my bedside because I cough at night

And in the morning, someone who knows what makes my coffee “just right”

I want someone who’d enjoy going with me on my aimless walks

And in the dark, we’d have nonsensical late night talks

I need someone to understand all the grief I hold inside of me

And yearn to meet someone I’d want to take home to meet my family

Someone who never does anything I can’t tell my friends freely

Someone who adores me and won’t trample on my dignity

The older I get, the simpler my needs

But it seems that what I ask for are astronomical deeds

I would rather give up and never find romance

Than let my heart find itself again

In the palms of the wrong hands

Retracted my acceptance of a job offer

I just … genuinely need a break. From everything.

I’ve still been working but my mind is blank. It honestly feels like I’m on autopilot right now. It feels silly to even make the conscious decision to be unemployed for a bit and be without a paycheck until who knows when. I’ve always been anxious about not having money. And yet, here I am, about to fly out to another country so I can cry in a different timezone.

I just need to feel something. Anything.

I barely have an appetite. When I eat, I feel like throwing up and everything I’ve managed to consume seems to give me diarrhea. I spend my days and nights just sleeping the hours away (unless I really have to move to work). The last time I went out of the house was for the cremation. I have not stepped foot outside since.

Life is dreary and I can’t find the will or motivation to do anything. I used to literally work through my grief – I used to say that I’m most productive when I’m going through shit. But back then, when I used to have these thoughts, I would pull myself from that void and think about how I can’t go anywhere because I had Rox. And now I don’t. I don’t even know what to look forward to anymore.