For context, I had taken over managing our entire household (finances included) by 2015 because my mom was too sick to do so. That includes making note of where every single peso was spent, due dates for payments, and chipping in my own money as needed (which happens every month to this day lol).
When my mom died and dad left after his bereavement leave – I was left with everything else to deal with. I dealt with her funeral and her cremation. Her documents. I was 24. My mother had just died after watching her slow death that lasted for years. In a mess of feeling relief, grief, guilt over feeling the relief that mom no longer had to suffer and me and my siblings can finally live a day without dealing with mom’s palliative care. My resentment towards my dad started to grow.
Not only did my mom had the audacity to die, the other parent I was supposed to rely on was also missing. It felt like I had to carry the weight of making sure my siblings were okay, that the house was not crashing down, that the bills were paid on time, and everything else in between. My sister (who was very young when this happened) started lashing out and accusing us from not grieving. My brother stopped going to school. The house was poorly maintained. And all of these were happening just as I started trying to climb the corporate ladder.
At the peak of my resentment, I’ve always wondered where I would be in life if my mom never died. I would have taken that opportunity to work abroad that I did not because my siblings were minors who needed someone to be here. I probably would have more money saved if I didn’t always have to chip in when something in the house breaks, or if I didn’t have to buy 3 of everything to share with my sibs. I love my siblings, I really do. And I don’t regret all the choices I made to keep them sane. But I think I’ll always wonder how I would have turned out if I didn’t have to take on that responsibility.
It’s been almost eight years since my mom’s death. And over the years, I have sent emotional bids to my dad’s direction and genuinely realized, that maybe I’m never going to get any emotional support from him. Every single outburst that I’ve tried to talk to him, in the hopes of getting that comforting support from a parent, has never been fruitful. The only time I would ever get support would be when I asked for a financial one (not even then if I’m being honest, I only ask for household funds). Maybe we’ll truly never have a relationship where I feel like I can rely on him or that I have parents who’ll back me. My mom’s dead. What can we do 🤷🏻♀️
This morning, my dad asked why the electricity bill was too high. And this is when I know that therapy has worked enough that I didn’t just immediately lash out. But it kind of brought back up the fact that this is truly the only support I could ask and will get from him. And it makes me resentful.
Sometimes, I’d have conversations with people about having kids. And I’ve always said I’m not against the idea, but I only want kids under very specific circumstances. I guess because it feels like I haven’t really had the time to function without taking care of anyone as an adult. I’m also terrified of the thought of not being able to break generational trauma and turn into my dad. I would love to have meaningful relationships with the human beings I had a hand in making, but what if I don’t? I’m leaning towards I would rather not know than have anyone inherit my parental issues.
teesh.blog 